Ask me what my favourite type of memoir is and, without hesitation, I would say addiction memoirs. Food, drugs, alcohol, sex...I find addicts' lives so compelling to read about...aching alongside the author as their inner turmoil competes with their day-to-day living, witnessing the cobbling together of a ghost of a life while chasing their high. I feel the need to point out that it's not simple voyeurism. These types of stories bring my empathy to the forefront as they underline the fragility of life which isn't an easy navigation for all of us. Equally riveting is trying to figure it all out - why some addicts relentlessly pursue their obsession while continuing to be failed by it while others manage to triumph over their singular fixation and go on to create a full life worth living after making it through to the other side.
This particular book of memories kicks off with a question of fact between the author, David Carr, and his friend, Donald. Twenty years prior, David had lost his job and was contemplating life while getting drunk and high. The two friends got into a minor argument after being kicked out of a bar and decided to part ways for the evening. Not long afterwards, David went over to Donald's house to talk things out and was warned not to - Donald said he would be waiting for him with a gun. David, high and defiant, was not deterred. When he arrived at his friend's house, Donald was kind enough to warn David that he should leave, telling him the cops were on their way over. Fast forward twenty years. The incident was tucked away well into the past. The two friends were reminiscing and laughing about the crazy old days, including the night of the gun. Donald claimed everything happened as David was retelling it. Everything except the gun.
And that's exactly what sets apart this memoir of cocaine/crack/alcohol abuse from the mountain of others in this genre. David simply couldn't believe that he was in possession of - let alone threatening his friend while holding - a gun. It was removed from anything he could fathom from his vantage point in the future. Yet, it was the turning point for questioning every major moment of importance in his life that happened while he was under the influence. He realized he couldn't trust his addicted/blacked out/unreliable memory to tell his own life's story. I believe his career in journalism was the impetus for making sure he presented the correct facts about his life - whether he could believe them or not. While attempting to piece together years of his life to tell his story, he conducted sixty interviews over three years. He compiled audio and video interviews, medical and legal documents and reports in order to reconstruct his story. The current always runs underneath the surface, reminding us just how precarious our own memories (drug-addled or completely sober) can be. What do we really remember and what have we cobbled together into stories we believe are true but may only have thin threads of truth binding them to what objectively took place?
Many of these interviews were humbling. The strength and bravery it would have taken the author to track down and interview previous bosses, old friends and foes, an embittered ex-wife, and his now grownup daughters is a substantial exercise in personal humility. Even when he was fairly certain that a situation had gone one way only to discover that it couldn't have been the case - that he'd screwed people over/that he'd been an idiot/an abuser/a bumbling fool/that he put himself and his all-encompassing addictions before and above everything else - he refused to twist a story to make himself look better. He faced it, he admitted it and he laid out the truth on the page. In instances when it wasn't clear from either his own memory or his primary resource where the truth lay, he hired an investigator to do further digging to try to obtain documentation and proof. He would not compromise his storytelling by blurring the facts.
Another part of David's story that made this a unique addiction memoir was that this crack-addicted father ended up with sole custody of his young twin girls. (It has to be noted here that their mother was also addicted to crack.) David certainly had the playing hard part down pat, but he also managed to work hard and raise his two girls with some degree of normalcy and lots of love. They were the unexpected joy of his life and I truly believe their presence in his life in part helped save him. Despite facing seemingly insurmountable circumstances, I couldn't help but want a happy ending for this man and those around him. To see him chase after the truth in the present day as hard as he chased after his highs in his past was an epic demonstration of his inner character. To me, he was a survivor and a success. By having such an open mind and a desire to tell his real story, he was truly granted the serenity to accept the things he couldn't change, the courage to change the things he could and the wisdom to know the difference.
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