Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl by Carrie Brownstein

While I've listened to some Sleater-Kinney and enjoyed it, it's not a band I'm terribly familiar with, but generally musician autobiographies are a good read. They can generally be relied on to be filled with a questionable amount of drinking and/or drugs, questionable groupies, and general debauchery. Oftentimes a case of life being crazier than fiction and at the conclusion, wondering how these stars lived through it all to tell their tales. 

I consider this the antithesis of the typical rock memoir. Carrie Brownstein's retelling of life on the road is a cerebral one. It's introspective and self-reflective. It's not always pretty, but it certainly is punk. It begins with a tumultous childhood - both of her parents had their own very major personal struggles and therefore weren't really there for Carrie. Her youth was one of an outsider looking in, whether it was in her aesthetic, her personality or her insecurities. As she found her place in music, it was always on the periphery - but this was a conscious choice. It was a middle finger to the mainstream with raw sound and lyrics and noise reflecting her inner turmoil. It was never meant to be pretty. The beauty was found in the ripped edges, the scars of life and the jagged relationships.

Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl proved to me that a music memoir doesn't need to have all of the excess and indulgence typically associated with life on the road to make a captivating read. Once in a while, a regular person rises to the top and becomes a headliner, not because of a life fueled by gluttony but because they're propelled by simple pure hunger.

The Night of the Gun by David Carr

Ask me what my favourite type of memoir is and, without hesitation, I would say addiction memoirs. Food, drugs, alcohol, sex...I find addicts' lives so compelling to read about...aching alongside the author as their inner turmoil competes with their day-to-day living, witnessing the cobbling together of a ghost of a life while chasing their high. I feel the need to point out that it's not simple voyeurism. These types of stories bring my empathy to the forefront as they underline the fragility of life which isn't an easy navigation for all of us. Equally riveting is trying to figure it all out - why some addicts relentlessly pursue their obsession while continuing to be failed by it while others manage to triumph over their singular fixation and go on to create a full life worth living after making it through to the other side.

This particular book of memories kicks off with a question of fact between the author, David Carr, and his friend, Donald. Twenty years prior, David had lost his job and was contemplating life while getting drunk and high. The two friends got into a minor argument after being kicked out of a bar and decided to part ways for the evening. Not long afterwards, David went over to Donald's house to talk things out and was warned not to - Donald said he would be waiting for him with a gun. David, high and defiant, was not deterred. When he arrived at his friend's house, Donald was kind enough to warn David that he should leave, telling him the cops were on their way over. Fast forward twenty years. The incident was tucked away well into the past. The two friends were reminiscing and laughing about the crazy old days, including the night of the gun. Donald claimed everything happened as David was retelling it. Everything except the gun. 

And that's exactly what sets apart this memoir of cocaine/crack/alcohol abuse from the mountain of others in this genre. David simply couldn't believe that he was in possession of - let alone threatening his friend while holding - a gun. It was removed from anything he could fathom from his vantage point in the future. Yet, it was the turning point for questioning every major moment of importance in his life that happened while he was under the influence. He realized he couldn't trust his addicted/blacked out/unreliable memory to tell his own life's story. I believe his career in journalism was the impetus for making sure he presented the correct facts about his life - whether he could believe them or not. While attempting to piece together years of his life to tell his story, he conducted sixty interviews over three years. He compiled audio and video interviews, medical and legal documents and reports in order to reconstruct his story. The current always runs underneath the surface, reminding us just how precarious our own memories (drug-addled or completely sober) can be. What do we really remember and what have we cobbled together into stories we believe are true but may only have thin threads of truth binding them to what objectively took place?

Many of these interviews were humbling. The strength and bravery it would have taken the author to track down and interview previous bosses, old friends and foes, an embittered ex-wife, and his now grownup daughters is a substantial exercise in personal humility. Even when he was fairly certain that a situation had gone one way only to discover that it couldn't have been the case - that he'd screwed people over/that he'd been an idiot/an abuser/a bumbling fool/that he put himself and his all-encompassing addictions before and above everything else - he refused to twist a story to make himself look better. He faced it, he admitted it and he laid out the truth on the page. In instances when it wasn't clear from either his own memory or his primary resource where the truth lay, he hired an investigator to do further digging to try to obtain documentation and proof. He would not compromise his storytelling by blurring the facts.

Another part of David's story that made this a unique addiction memoir was that this crack-addicted father ended up with sole custody of his young twin girls. (It has to be noted here that their mother was also addicted to crack.) David certainly had the playing hard part down pat, but he also managed to work hard and raise his two girls with some degree of normalcy and lots of love. They were the unexpected joy of his life and I truly believe their presence in his life in part helped save him. Despite facing seemingly insurmountable circumstances, I couldn't help but want a happy ending for this man and those around him. To see him chase after the truth in the present day as hard as he chased after his highs in his past was an epic demonstration of his inner character. To me, he was a survivor and a success. By having such an open mind and a desire to tell his real story, he was truly granted the serenity to accept the things he couldn't change, the courage to change the things he could and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian by Sherman Alexie

This semi-autobiographic work of fiction tells the story of Junior, an awkward teenager, who lives on a reservation. He was born with water on the brain, he has a lisp, a stutter, and his head is too big for his body. His father's an alcoholic. His temperamental best friend wants to beat him up. In a move he envisions will improve his chances in life, he transfers schools from the rez school in his community to an all-white high school twenty-two miles away from home. Sometimes the car runs out of gas on his way there, sometimes he hitchhikes. On really bad days, he walks. This boy is determined.

It's a snapshot of a year in the life that's full of change for Junior, his friends and his family. He tries to maintain a balance between his home life on the rez and his seemingly more privileged school life. Like almost every teenager, he just wants a smooth ride and to fit in.

This is not a book that dodges and weaves around serious issues; in fact, it confronts them head-on while in its own unique way manages to make them light and relatable and funny. How can a book about alcoholism, class, race, sex (and other topics that would ruin the plot if I were to reveal them) make the reader laugh? That's exactly what makes this book stand out. Humorous illustrations sprinkled throughout by artist Ellen Forney enhance the narrative by adding a visual perspective to the tale.

Ultimately, this is a book that breaks down barriers and reveals new perspectives about stereotypes on both sides of the tracks. It's about the risk of making assumptions. And it also proves that sometimes life is so full of seriousness, the best way to deal with it all is to have a good laugh.

I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley

I've been reading some very good but pretty heavy stuff lately (Child brides! Ghetto life! Mental illness!) and was in need of some lighter material to switch things up. I'm a sucker for a good cover and any blurb that cites a David Sedaris comparison. Unfortunately, sometimes what lurks underneath a cool cover just doesn't deliver, but more importantly, who can really live up to the perfectly peculiar David Sedaris? Sloane Crosley, that's who.

Not to be a black-hearted pessimist, but honestly there aren't that many humor essay collections that are funny straight through from beginning to end or live up to book cover proclamations by celebrities who are oftentimes secret besties with the authors. So many books branded as the next funniest thing may have a few humorous elements or one or two good stories out of the lot, but "I Was Told There'd Be Cake" had me laughing from page 1 right through to 228. (And this wasn't a 374-page book.)

I also really like looking at author photos and seeing if their writing correlates to their faces. Kind of like hearing a radio personality's voice and then searching their image online. They just don't always match up. When I look at Sloane Crosley's photo, I see the following: Westchester upbringing? Check. Drawer full of plastic ponies? Check. Teenage summer camp escapades? Check. But, man, does she ever know how to spin these simple things into twisted tales. After finishing the book, I take another look at her sly little smile on the inside back cover and think such thoughts as, "Wow. This girl was once trapped in the predicament of trying to figure out which one of her dinner guests left a turd on her bathroom carpet after a dinner party." and, "Holy fuck, did she really make a cookie in the image of her dragon lady boss and then actually gift it to her the next morning?!??" Not to mention the time she bumped into an Atlas moth (Google that thing and be doomed to nightmares for eternity) setting off a chain of events that resulted in an inadvertent butterfly kidnapping, sign language and a fortunately-situated sleeping homeless person. For real? I may not be able to relate to her upper class New York upbringing, but I am 100% on board with forced lame bridal shower attendance, "interesting" apartment neighbours and drunkenly leaving my wallet in a cab. I have also had someone come into my house, shit on the carpet and leave (though in my case it was a squirrel).

Comedians are experts at finding the absurd in the ordinary. Sloane Crosley has mastered this skill and, in my opinion, has rightfully earned her David Sedaris comparison. But sometimes, the absurd is not ordinary at all and is just simply absurd. When that's the case, she just magnifies the absurdity, playfully showcases how ridiculous it all is, puts that insanity on a stick and hands it over. I bite into it, laugh and eat it up, reflexively reaching over for another helping.

Stolen Innocence by Elissa Wall

When I look back on my teenage years, I remember thinking that my upbringing was too strict and that I didn't have enough freedom. If only this book would have been available to me then, I would have realized I had it so easy. Wow, did I ever...

Elissa Wall grew up in the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) - a cult offshoot of the Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints - where the patriarchy reigned supreme. There are many terms and teachings that I'd never heard of prior to reading this book, but they are important to know in order to have a better understanding of the kind of life the author led.

The main differentiator of this branch of Mormonism is that they believe that plural marriage is necessary in order to gain admittance into heaven. These marriage arrangements supposedly come directly from God who uses an earthly prophet to be his mouthpiece. Because of this, the norm in this culture is to have a minimum of three wives per family and dozens of siblings, though many families have many more than three wives. Church members also believe the end of the world is near and that only the truest, most pure believers will be saved and go to heaven. They believe that on Judgment Day, there will be worldwide destruction and that God will lift the worthiest people off the earth while this devastation takes place, then be set back down to build Zion, "a place without sadness or pain". God will then join them there for a thousand years of peace. Every aspect of life is woven into this anticipated utopia.

This book is the memoir of Elissa Wall and tells the story of her upbringing through to early adulthood. Literally every aspect of Elissa's life and the others' in her community was controlled. "Worldly" clothes, haircuts, TV, the internet, and music were all banned, creating a closed off, very sheltered community. Racism, obedience and total allegiance to the male heads of the family was taught. One of the worst sins that could be committed was speaking with apostates - this term refers to anyone who left the church. Contact with these outsiders was strictly banned for fear of being influenced. Girls were taught to "keep sweet". This motto was described by one of Elissa's sisters in the following way: "Even when it hurts, you were to act happy. Even if you're uncomfortable. That was how you conquered the evil inside of you." And even though the men ruled over the women and children, they weren't entirely in the clear either. The ideal FLDS husband was called the "priesthood" and questioning the priesthood was considered the same as questioning God. If husbands couldn't control their wives and enforce their authority, their priesthood could be taken from them and their wives and families could immediately be taken away and reassigned to a new husband. They also had to tithe their salaries over to the prophet who also had control over their jobs and therefore their income levels.

A major turning point in the FLDS (and the author's life) came when Warren Jeffs, a former teacher and principal at an FLDS-only school, gradually took over the role of prophet from his ailing father, Rulon Jeffs. While the FLDS could be considered an extremist group under Rulon's rule, things took a turn for the worse under his son and became even more strict. Followers of the religion were taught and believed completely that when Rulon died, he would be brought back to earth. However, when Rulon died and was not in fact reincarnated, Warren wormed his way into the position and convinced the people that his father now spoke through him. He methodically inserted himself into this authoritative role by manipulating and brainwashing his followers. Slowly, as Warren Jeffs took over, he replaced the more traditional teachings of the faith with his own teachings. There were sermons that he recorded using his lulling monotonous voice onto cassettes that everyone was expected to listen to. These sermons were played both at school and in families' homes. When Warren was a teacher at the local school, everything had to be approved by him. Over time, world history was replaced with his doctrine and he rewrote the entire curriculum. He created further paranoia and fear as he encouraged neighbours to keep an eye on each other and report any wrongdoings to him. Because being reported could have such drastic consequences and everyone wanted to be deemed worthy and pure enough to be lifted to heaven when the apocalypse came, everyone was paranoid and wanted to further please Jeffs, only serving to reinforce his power over the people. It was clear now that they were fully under the influence at all times. Warren Jeffs was a master manipulator. It was under his rule that he started forcing minors to marry.

***REST OF REVIEW CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS***

Elissa's early childhood, even under such a strict regiment, appeared to be fairly happy; however, as she got older, her family started to become increasingly fractured. Some of her older siblings were shunned for defiance and being too inquisitive and left the community. One of the most devastating blows came when her father lost his priesthood and her mother, along with Elissa and her remaining siblings were immediately reassigned to another family, meaning her mother was told to marry another man and they merged with this new family.

But the worst time in her life was when she was ordered at age fourteen to marry her first cousin, Allen, who was nineteen. As if it weren't bad enough that she was told she had to be a child bride and that the marriage would be illegal as well as immoral, she has always hated this particular cousin. He used to tease her when she was younger and she found him repulsive. She was literally begging from the moment she was assigned to marry her cousin up until the day of - and even during the ceremony itself - to not be forced into this marriage. Every plea of hers was met with denial. She had no choice and no way out. She literally couldn't have done more to voice her resistance to this order and it was heartbreaking to read about this helpless child having to go through with the marriage against her will. Her wedding day was the absolute worst day of her life. She cried for days on end and by the time the day came, she was so distressed that she could barely manage to voice the marriage vows expected of her.

The marriage was doomed from the get-go. We learn that from an early age, girls are told to view boys "as snakes" - contact of any kind is forbidden and couples don't even date before marriage. They have no word for sex in the FLDS and girls aren't taught anything about the topic. Imagine - they have to view the opposite sex as snakes and then on the turn of a dime, as soon as they're forced into an arranged marriage they are all of a sudden expected to expected to "go forth and multiply" - be intimate and produce a swarm of children. It was clear that Elissa had no idea about sex and wasn't ready for it - a fact that she clearly voiced to Allen, but as he was taught that she needed to obey him and submit to him, he forced himself on her and told her to comply.

When Elissa was having problems in her marriage, she wasn't supposed to speak up, but instead was taught to be submissive to her husband and to do whatever he said. Even so, she repeatedly went to Warren Jeffs out of sheer desperation trying to gain release from the marriage (essentially a divorce), but it was like going up against a brick wall. He just told her she needed to talk to her husband and do whatever he told her to do.

Elissa had a close relationship with her biological mother. Wanting to be around Allen as little as possible, she would often escape to her mother's house and even go so far as to sleep in her truck at night, but she was found out and told to cut ties with her mother and return to her husband. She was told to give herself over to her husband/cousin "mind, body and soul" and told not to question him. She was trapped in a loveless marriage to a relative who raped her. She desperately wanted to escape the compound, but was worried about the fate of her birth mother and younger sisters if she left.

As time passed and she spent more time away from Allen, Elissa began to get small tastes of the outside world, secretly spending time with apostate family members as well as new people she met through work. She began to question certain elements of the religion, especially the under the influence of Warren Jeffs, but as some of her other family members had gradually left the cult, she was extremely nervous about the implications on her remaining family members if she were to do anything drastic. Their numbers were dwindling and she was only left with her mother and two younger sisters. She was worried not only about her future place in heaven, but also about the fates of her family members if she were to leave, as she had been berated and questioned herself after her other family members left the cult. She was primarily terrified that her younger sisters, aged ten and thirteen, would also be forced into underage marriages if she left. Her family was already viewed as being fairly rebellious because so many of them had tested their limits within the strict confines of what was expected.

Ultimately, she was left with an impossible conundrum: should she follow her heart and leave the compound and try to start a new life or put her family members ahead of her well-being and remain where she is and live a miserable life...

For someone who was indoctrinated from birth and subsequently brainwashed in her formative years, Elissa is astonishingly aware now of how ridiculous the FLDS beliefs sound to outsiders. She's also extremely empathetic towards those still practicing the religion while at the same time showing immense bravery and wanting justice to be served. Her story is told with bravery and compassion.

The timeline of this book ends in 2008. So many events have happened since then and there is still so much more to the story as it continues to evolve. What is evident is that Warren Jeffs is a true monster. For a supposed prophet who could do no wrong, he has led a despicable life and poisoned so many people's lives. A simple internet search brings up dozens of horrifying accounts of people who have left the compound, who have brought further alarming charges against him and maps showing just how much territory he covered and how far he spread his word. As alarming as Elissa's story is, unfortunately it's just one of many stories of emotional and psychological abuse of the followers of the FLDS. At least they're finally able to stand up and have their voices heard.

An Abbreviated Life by Ariel Leve

"To cope, in childhood, was to be on guard at all times. Sentiment was not to be trusted. Hope would be met with disappointment. This was an operating system that allowed me to function, and it carried over into adulthood. The result was to live a life within brackets. An abbreviated life."

The language of this memoir is spare but impactful. There is lots of breath around the words. The space is necessary to digest and take it all in. There are a lot of revelations. This is the story of a life that was disheveled, unreliable, chaotic, erratic. This is the author's search for reprieve.

Ariel Leve grew up under the reign of an imbalanced mother. Abandoned herself at age seven (literally left behind at boarding school), her mother was in a state of arrested development. After a brief marriage, Ariel's father moved to Thailand when she was a young girl. While they remained in touch and very close via regular letters and visits with him over summer breaks, for the majority of her childhood, Ariel was forced into the role of the mother figure (it was she who would be screaming for everyone to stop the constant partying past midnight so she could get some sleep on a school night) while her mother was the child - selfish, blameful and churlish.

Her mother was a successful poet and they lived in a penthouse apartment on the Upper West Side. The address was mentioned so many times throughout the book that I googled it. Looking at the exterior of 180 E 79th Street in New York, you see a typical Manhattan apartment building. It's located in an affluent area, there's a doorman, it's a prime piece of real estate.  However, if you just look at the facade, you don't get the whole story. You hear penthouse apartment, you think rich. You hear private school, you know there's privilege. You discover her mother was a poet, you think fantastically eccentric. And while it's true that Ariel grew up with all of these outward advantages, her life is concrete proof of the old adage that money doesn't buy happiness. According to her mother, she was given the best of everything and therefore she should be forever indebted to her for providing them. She was expected to feel grateful and beholden to her simply because she hadn't been abandoned like her mother even though she was given nothing in terms of appropriate attention or emotions in return. Yes, Ariel had every material want at her fingertips, but the only thing she truly longed for was time alone with her mother. She wanted her undivided attention. She wanted routine and convention and unconditional love. All she wanted was a normal life. Instead, her mother was controlling, manipulative and overbearing to everyone around her. She could convince anyone of anything and turned every situation and relationship to her own advantage until one by one, they would figure out her ulterior motives and disappear. She truly thought only of herself and her own needs, never once considering how her behaviour was affecting others. She was lost in her own mixed up world and her jumbled mind. Whether or not she was actually conscious of her behaviour and just didn't care or if she was so mentally ill that she didn't know right from wrong, it was Ariel that bore the worst brunt of her behaviour. While she thought she was smothering Ariel with motherly love, she was in fact just smothering her.

Ariel was so manipulated as a child that as an adult, she is working her way through her life, trying to pick up the pieces of her fractured childhood to build a cohesive, calm existence. She literally moves to the other side of the world to Bali in order to extract herself from her mother's neediness. It's a move of desperation, but the only solution she can find. The current life Ariel Leve has created for herself is the exact inverse of her childhood. Her life in Bali is stripped down to the bare basics. Her peaceful home is minimalist and only holds the essentials. She has chosen a partner who is quiet, thoughtful and caring. She provides stability, attention and love to their young twin daughters. She becomes the calm, attentive mother she so desperately needed herself.

It's by practicing the exact opposite of everything her life was composed of that she finally finds her peace.

My Struggle #5: Some Rain Must Fall by Karl Ove Knausgaard

Knowing there was only one more book left for me to read in Karl Ove Knaugaard's addictive series, I enjoyed fully immersing myself in the sensory world he so lushly describes. Often, I sat reading with a cup of freshly brewed hot coffee, sandwiched between cozy blankets while submitting myself to the pervasive darkness (both literal and figurative) that permeates so much of the book. I also let Karl Ove play the deejay for me. As he was constantly in and out of record shops as well as working at times reviewing music, the mention of late 80s/early 90s bands throughout the book was extensive. Taking this as a cue, David Bowie, XTC, The Sugar Cubes and The Waterboys were just some of the records I used as a soundtrack to transport me back to this time.

There were storylines that brought us back to familiar characters - his disintegrating relationship with his unpredictable father, his comfortable relationship with his reliable and loving mother and Yngve was present again, this time in quite a prominent role, as the two brothers were now in the same city of Bergen where Karl Ove moved once he'd gained acceptance at the Writing Academy there. There were lots of secondary characters, mostly fellow workmates or writers, but also some important women - the most notable being both Gunvor and Tonje with whom he shared his deepest and longest-lasting romantic relationships to-date. It was gratifying to see this turn in his life away from the awkward, fleeting encounters of his teenaged years to these more complex, committed adult relationships in his early twenties.

Also familiar was Karl Ove drowning his feelings of self-doubt while drinking to the point of blackouts. He experienced cringe worthy stomach-churning dread whenever he'd wake up from these overindulgent nights on the town that would last for several days. Though he always found the brief flashbacks and fragmented descriptions of what may have transpired unbearable, it was as though he had no self-control in this area and kept repeating the pattern. Unsurprisingly, this led to quite a few regrettable decisions, all of which compounded his already bad self-esteem.

But, really, the main focus of My Struggle #5 - the elusive string barely tethering Karl Ove to what he believed to be his true destiny - was his writing life. When Karl Ove was accepted into Bergen's Writing Academy, he went into the course believing himself to be a writer - it was his calling, it was all he wanted to do in life. So imagine his shock and disappointment when instead of being the star pupil, his work was characterized as immature, cliché, and juvenile by his fellow students. Never mind that he was the youngest in the program, never mind that he had less life experience from which to draw, ignore the fact that we can see, in retrospect, that he could grow and would soar in the literary world a few years down the road. Karl Ove took it all to heart and felt like a complete and utter failure. His sole desire was to be a literary fiction writer. Not a reviewer, an essayist or an academic. What frustrated him to his core was that it was the one type of writing he didn't seem to be able to produce. His frustration was all-encompassing. He would write for months on end, only to have a few sentences to show for it. He couldn't come up with ideas or didn't write about what he knew best or just couldn't seem to tap into one particular line that would lead itself into another and another and produce an actual story worth sharing with the world. Adding to his frustration were the successes many of his colleagues achieved, getting their writing published while he couldn't seem to fulfill his own burning dream.

Of course, from our vantage point here in the future, we can see that he's done it - that it all worked out for him in the end. That his first published novel would go on to win a prestigious Norwegian writers' prize and that the cover of this very book is bannered with "The International Literary Phenomenon" right there for all to see. But that's why this series is so addictive. Life is not just made up of major crowning moments and glittering achievements. It's both the ups and the downs that form a life. Karl Ove splays his whole life on the page: not just the good times, not just the moments where he shines brightly, but all of the horrible, messy, embarrassing character-building moments. He's sinks to the lowest points where he wonders if he can even go on, but I'm so glad he did. He may have struggled to tell a story worth reading in his younger years, but thankfully that struggle slowly waned and in its place were a whole cache of stories just aching to be told.